Amid much anticipation, the University of Michigan Athletic Department unveiled its plans Tuesday for the construction of a new state-of-the-art Student Athlete Academic Fraud complex.
The building, which costs over $22 million and is slated to begin construction in the fall, will be dedicated solely to the advancement of fraudulent academic activities for members of the University’s 29 varsity athletic teams. It will feature cutting-edge plagiarism techniques and will be fully staffed with tutors to aid in the athletes’ deceitful behavior.
The announcement comes during a transitional period for the athletic department, as the past several months have included the dismissal of Athletic Director Dave Brandon and the hiring of former Wolverine Jim Harbaugh to become the football team’s head coach.
“Academic dishonesty is a cornerstone of athletic success here at the University of Michigan,” said Interim Athletic Director Jim Hackett. “Hopefully this announcement will usher in a new era, one in which things like intellect and integrity don’t stand in the way of victory on the field.”
Hackett added that nationwide competition in the field of academic dishonesty necessitated the construction of the new building. He stated, “Universities across the country have become really innovative with their continued dishonesty in the realm of scholastic achievement. As one of the premiere institutions in the country, we’ve got to keep up with the times.”
At press time, Coach Harbaugh had already received several calls from recruits committed elsewhere reconsidering their status, telling him that they now understood “the Michigan Difference.”