Citing concerns over student performance on end-of-term examinations, the University’s Counseling and Psychological Services Center announced that it is piloting a program this April that hopes to provide easygoing, carefree students with the boost in anxiety, panic and dread they need to reach their full academic potential on this semester’s final examinations.
“At CAPS, we’ve found that too much rest, relaxation and completely inadequate levels of stress can wreak havoc on a student’s GPA—especially during the final examination period,” said Associate Director Cindy Moynihan. “So, we’re launching these workshops to bring the stress levels of our less anxious students back on par with their overachieving, completely panic-stricken peers.”
By teaching these easygoing, carefree students to ruminate obsessively about their final grades, CAPS hopes to help apathetic, indifferent students get reenergized and re-stressed enough to ace their finals.
Reportedly, CAPS counselors are using a “variety of techniques” to shock and scare Michigan’s most laid-back students into getting their asses in gear.
“For me, just scanning the student’s résumé, belittling their proudest achievements, and demolishing any extant sense of self-worth tends to give them adequate motivation,” said one workshop leader.
“But I’ve found that calling up a student’s gradebook on the projector for all to see is just as effective at rekindling the quiet fits of self-doubt that’ll let them reach their full potential.”
“Ultimately the goal is to make these kids anticipate their finals with such horror and trepidation that they can’t help cooping up in the Ugli all night and outlining every single reading they were way too chilled-out to even skim during the semester,” Moynihan added.
