Despite seemingly accomplishing everything during his illustrious career and retiring last season to much pomp and circumstance, Derek Jeter has been frequently seen in Yankee Stadium, likely hoping for a return to the field.
“Yeah, I caught Mr. Jeter in Monument Park the other day, hanging on the fence and looking longingly toward the infield grass,” groundskeeper Brian Hanson told reporters. “When I told him this was private property and I’d have to call his parents, he just hopped on his bike, shouting ‘now batting for the Yankees, the shortstop, numbah two, Derek Jetah, numbah two.’”
Hanson continued, “I think he was wearing an old uniform under his street clothes. He was definitely wearing cleats.”
Jeter’s focus on baseball has detracted from his other responsibilities, say sources close to the hall-of-fame shortstop. He often refuses to clean his room, set the table, or walk the dog because they reportedly take up time that could otherwise be used practicing or studying the game.
“Derek has been acting pretty weird lately,” said his fiancee and Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Hannah Davis. “I’m not gonna lie, when he finally agreed it was time to retire I was excited. We were going to be able to spend some real quality time together, without the season dominating his schedule. I figured we’d be traveling the world in our private jet, having crazy orgies with other celebrities, or just relaxing at our indoor pool.”
But Davis went on, “Instead it seems like all he’s doing is practicing his swing in the garage or excitedly talking about the Yankees’ chances this year. It’s only April, and he won’t even let me wash his lucky underwear.”
Former teammate Mark Teixeira recounted, “I saw him on the street a few days ago and he tried to get my autograph, yammering about how he’s a big fan of mine. He was incessantly asking what it’s like to play in the big leagues.”
Jeter could not be reached for comment, as he was reportedly trying on batting gloves and oiling his mitt.
