NEAR THE DUMPSTER BEHIND THE UNION—Following the discovery of a newly deceased squirrel, University President Mark Schlissel has reportedly been out of the office for several hours examining the carcass.
“During my short time at the University of Michigan, this is definitely the coolest thing I’ve seen yet,” said Schlissel to a group of onlookers, gesturing toward the limp body. “And you know it’s fresh too, since the flies didn’t show up yet”
Schlissel happened upon the dead squirrel while trying to see if he could throw a rock onto the roof. While the university president was able to make a small piece of asphalt hit the third floor window, he lost interest in the rocks upon finding the deceased rodent.
“He’s been running around telling people about it all day. I’ve never seen him like this,” said Schlissel’s secretary Fiona Pierce. “He was pretty psyched when he got to hang out with the custodians all day and see where the garbage goes, but that wasn’t even really close to how excited he looks studying that squirrel.”
After finding that nobody in the Kresge Administration Building had time to “go check out” the dead squirrel with him, Schlissel began seeking out students and faculty to share his discovery with.
“Yeah, it was kind of weird,” said LSA junior Jeff Milkin. “President Schlissel kind of just came up to me, beaming, and asked if I wanted to see something ‘really neat.’ Then he led me behind the Union and showed me a dead squirrel. He said we should find a stick so we could poke it and make sure it’s dead.”
“It was gross, but he seemed so excited, I didn’t have the heart to tell him,” continued Milkin. “It’s cute to see a president who’s learning to love nature in his own way.”
After the initial thrill of discovering a “real, live dead animal” had subsided, Schlissel reportedly began speculating on possible causes for the squirrel’s death.
“His eyes are still open and he still looks really surprised-like. I bet you it fell from there,” said Schlissel, gesturing toward an above power-line. “I bet it was gnawing on the cable and then it was all like ZAP and then he was all WAHH and then he fell down.”
Added Schlissel, “or maybe a predator got it, like a hawk. We should check for clues! Maybe it has talon marks!”
Schlissel reportedly returned to his office several hours later, having lost interest in the now-rotting carcass. However, Schlissel was seen rushing out of his office again after receiving a call from Jim Harbaugh about “a dead possum in the Big House parking lot.”