Despite his best intentions to finish an essay and get ahead on calculus homework, freshman Jack Rzyczki elected to leave the Ugli earlier than planned last Wednesday, citing chiefly that he had left his headphones at home.
“I take my study time very seriously,” said Rzyczki, having just abandoned all intentions to be productive that afternoon. “But, I forgot my headphones back in my dorm, and it’s impossible to get motivated without my Kendrick Lamar Pandora station.”
Sources confirmed that prior to vacating his table in the library, Rzyczki spent a few minutes aimlessly browsing the Internet, hastily answering a series of text messages, pulling out a few disorganized folders, fishing around in his pockets before he “just packed up and left.”
After his premature departure, Rzyczki reportedly returned to his dormitory in Markley Hall where he further encountered a multitude of additional impediments to getting his work done.
“I hadn’t showered since that morning, so I obviously had to do that,” said Rzyczki. “then once I was done, I noticed my roommate wasn’t home, so I took care of some business, if you know what I’m saying. So I had to shower again, and then I noticed I had an episode of Scandal on my DVR, and by then it is was already six o’clock, so I knew the day was pretty much shot at that point.”
While Rzyczki reportedly assured himself that the option to return to the library that evening with headphones in tow was still on the table, sources confirmed that this was highly unlikely.

