Man Twirling Mustache Probably Suspect In Some Kind Of Train Robbery

The attempted murder of a young woman strapped to a local railway last Friday triggered eyewitnesses to suspect a man nearby, who at the time of the incident was twirling his mustache and grinning in a way described later as “sinister.”

Witness Todd Howard, who had been waiting in his Jeep convertible for the train to pass, noticed commotion alongside the tracks.

“At first I just heard the shrieking, a girl’s voice—really shrill and whiny. Then I saw her lying there,” said Howard. “She was tied to the tracks with some sturdy rope and there was this man standing beside her just tooling around with his mustache.”

Continued Howard, “It doesn’t necessarily mean he was responsible, but it sure struck me as odd that he couldn’t keep his fingers out of his facial hair.”

Dressed from head to foot in black silk, the perpetrator allegedly made no move to rescue the victim. “I can’t say for certain that he tied her down, but he was happy in an of-putting way to watch her scream at the oncoming train,” claimed Howard.

“Yeah, I dated a guy with a mustache once, total weirdo. Not necessarily someone I’d peg as a murderer, but hardly normal,” added Sandra Rhymes, a passenger on the train who spotted the man from her window.

“I can’t imagine what kind of person you’d have to be to endanger someone’s life in such a horrific way,” said another visibly troubled witness. “Then again, this guy was carrying pomade solely for use on his upper-lip hair, so you’d at least have to consider him for that reason alone.”

Just as the thundering freight train was reportedly inches from the screaming woman, another man was able to free her using a sword strapped to his belt and cart her out of the train’s path. Said Howard, “I don’t know if I’d call him a hero, but his cowboy hat and beefy forearms nestled in a brown linen, partially buttoned shirt said otherwise.”

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