Michigan League Now Operating Exclusively As Senior Citizen Social Center

In an effort to allow the Michigan League’s most frequent users more authority over its functioning, representatives of the building announced last week that beginning September 2015, the University’s historic student center will abandon all attempts to cater towards undergraduates and instead operate overtly as a hub for local senior citizens.

“After decades of failed attempts to appeal to a broader, younger, more active demographic, I’m pleased to announce that the League will henceforth operate as a retirement activities center,” said building manager Lee Castillo.

When asked what prompted the change, Castillo explained that although the building’s designated study spaces and meeting rooms have always been used primarily for knitting circles, luncheons, and other similarly “nice” opportunities to get out of the house for Ann Arbor’s elderly population, the League had never formally acknowledged this core demographic as its primary patrons.

Many small changes to the League’s operation are in the works. Shipments of decaf coffee to U-go’s have tripled, and the statues erected at the League’s west entrance commemorating friendship and justice will soon be joined by two new statues representing TV Guide and sensible loafers.

“However, extensive remodeling will not be necessary,” said Castillo. “The League’s numerous portraits of geese, as well as the slew of sofas and armchairs upholstered in a variety of tattered pink velvets and paisley poly-cotton blends, will suit the building’s new purposes accordingly.”

The League’s most ambitious remodeling endeavour, said Castillo, will be the removal of the building’s basement Wendy’s. “Though we’re well aware that the extensive and affordable menu at Wendy’s draws a more age-diverse crowd, we thought it best to cater more directly to our senior citizens,” Castillo explained. “Currently, we’re looking into dining options that are more compatible with sensitive digestion.”

At press time, Representatives at the League were in talks with Cracker Barrel.

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