As the town emerges from another especially cold winter, sources say the rapidly improving weather has Ann Arbor preachers eager to get out in the warm, spring sunlight and loudly condemn passing students to hell.
Reportedly, the evangelists are flocking to the Diag in droves, delighted to soak up some rays and admonish students for falling short of God’s grace.
“Spring is in the air,” said Ann Arbor preacher Mark Reed, who was one of the many excited about the improving weather.
“Birds are chirping, flowers are in bloom and thousands of heathens are walking across campus completely unaware of their sickly, blackened souls and total spiritual bankruptcy.”
Reed noted this is always his favorite time of year, after a long winter of student drug use and fornication without reproach has them blissfully unaware that they will be spending an eternity wallowing in the abyss.
“The first day of spring is really fantastic,” said Reed. “I get to put on my Sunday best, make a really big sign, and remind students of the Lord’s unfaltering hand of punishment.”
While preachers were jubilant about the rising temperatures, students themselves were not nearly as excited.
LSA sophomore Lizzy Blau was one of the many dismayed at the preachers’ return. “At first I was happy to break out the shorts and sandals,” said Blau, “but now I can’t walk through the Diag without being told my clothing is too revealing and I’m going to ‘burn eternally in stormy hellfire.’”
But despite student complaint, many preachers maintain this was is a special time of year.
“It really feels like a gift on Christmas morning to me,” added Reed. “Although of course, I never actually get presents for Christmas. Indulging in that kind of material hedonism is just another way to punch yourself a one-way ticket straight to Satan’s summer home.”
At press time, preachers were gathering in the Diag, engaging in spirited debates with a fiendishly clever group of atheist sophomores.
