“This Is the Year We Finally Keep Ignoring Our Landlord’s Criminal Practices,” Profess Noble Cowards

After two years living off-campus in their Catherine St. apartment, roommates Justin Harmon and Alex DeLinsky have announced that this is the year they will boldly continue to keep their heads down and their mouths shut regarding their landlord’s patently illegal activity.

Said DeLinsky, “We sat down on our couch with the broken frame and were like, ‘You know, this is the 21st century. We have renters’ rights we could look into and a lease we should read more closely. But god forbid our security deposit take a hit for ‘water on bathroom floor’ again. That’s why this year we are going to continue to comply with everything Morty wants, and be very, very careful about who we mention this stuff to.”

Harmon agreed. “For two years it’s been nothing but Morty misrepresenting space logistics, turning off our heat when he thinks we’re too loud, charging us every time we open the refrigerator, and insisting we pay 20% of our rent in cash handoffs delivered to his associate Dan in Wheeler Park every fourth Friday at sundown,” she said. But what other properties this close to C.C. Little run for $450 a room in a two bedroom? Another year won’t kill us.”

The group’s story is part of a growing trend of undergraduate students “retreating like babies” from leasing companies in the area.

“Our landlord has twice now made keys to our apartment for his friends because they know we have an Xbox and cable,” said an anonymous student in the area. “We wanted to confront him about it, but he waived the pet fee for our cats, so we’re kind of stuck.”

When reached for comment, Morty Large of Washtenaw Rental said, “Three rooms! $600 a month! Washer/dryer in unit! Pets welcome! No security deposit! No rent for three months!” before slamming his eyelevel spy hole shut and turning the lock.

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