To escape his high school reputation as a “loner” and “wallflower,” LSA Freshman Robert Garcia has reportedly donned a false, more outgoing persona for his first few weeks of college.
“I usually enjoy my own company, or maybe hanging out with a few close friends, but that really won’t cut it in college,” said the introvert-in-disguise. “If I don’t learn to enjoy loud, crowded social situations now, when will I ever?”
“My entire time in high school, I only cared about my grades, my long-term girlfriend, and a small group of friends who shared my interests,” continued Garcia. “I don’t want to make those mistakes again.”
Garcia has already made strides in appearing outgoing by befriending the students in his hall, despite finding most of them loud and unpleasant. “At least half of the guys are idiots, but they seem to be pretty tuned-in to the social scene here in Markley,” said Garcia. “I’m approaching it with an open mind. I could probably learn a lot from these douchebags.”
Garcia’s roommates are reportedly none-the-wiser regarding the once-insular freshman’s true personality.
“Bob’s a pretty sick guy,” said roommate Patrick Boyle, unaware that Garcia prefers being called ‘Robert,’ or ‘Rob’ if he is particularly comfortable with someone. “Ever since he brought back that girl from the Sigma Mu party, we all like to call him ‘Bob the Pussy Slayer.’ What a legend.