Girl Complaining About Hookup Culture Clearly Not Getting Any

According to multiple accounts, LSA junior Becca Stanton, who shares articles decrying hookup culture with friends and often opines on the decline of meaningful relationships, definitely isn’t getting laid.

Stanton was quoted complaining to her roommate Emily Teller that college campuses are seeing less and less “traditional relationships” and that having hot, no-strings-attached sex whenever you want is “overrated,” “bad for society,” and “probably not as mind- blowingly amazing as it seems.”

“I just think it’s so sad how all my roommates bring guys back to the apartment every single weekend,” said Stanton. “I want something deeper and more emotionally satisfying than getting my world rocked in a steamy, unforgettable one night stand with that dreamboat from down the hall.”

Teller said Stanton’s Facebook and Twitter accounts are covered in Her Campus and Upworthy articles condemning hookup culture’s devastating impact on society, as well as complaints about how hard it is to find a good guy in this city.

“She just keeps going on and on about how my relationships are ‘unhealthy’ and how I’m not ‘empowered’ or whatever, but I know it’s because she just keeps striking out at Rick’s,” Teller said. “The only ‘meaningful connection’ missing in her life is with some K-Y Jelly and some dude’s schlong.”

Along with Stanton’s roommates and Facebook friends, Sandra McClellan, Stanton’s philosophy professor, also received a rant condemning hookup culture in a recent paper.

“Her paper was an examination of the decline of chivalry and traditional dating, and the emotional numbing of the American college student,” McClellan said. “I only asked for five pages, but she gave me ten. Obviously that bitch is thirsty as fuck, if you know what I mean.”

At press time, Becca was penning her own thinkpiece about college dating, after turning on multiple fans to drown out the sound of her roommate getting it on with the hot guy from down the hall.

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