Good afternoon, baby Wolverines! I’m Abe. I’m going to be your RA this year. It’s an exciting time here on campus as we move into new homes, start new classes and meet new people. However, the start of the school year also brings about a most foul temptation into the student mindshare: having sexual intercourse.
Yes, yes, quiet down now, quiet down. Get those chuckles out of the way, please. This is going to be a serious discussion.
I’m speaking to you from sort of a weird place, you see, because I am man of firm beliefs, and I personally am not planning to have sex until I’ve been happily married for at least three years. However, I’ve been asked today to speak to you new students about practicing safe sex, despite my many heated emails with ResStaff. They are making every one of us do a whole spiel. I do not agree with the idea, but I must do what I must do.
Through several conversations with my dad and my youth pastor back when my voice was starting to change, I acquired a working knowledge of the deed itself and I am ready to share with you how to practice it safely, whether it be during marriage, or while on the long, dark road towards eternal suffering. So let’s get started.
The first rule of so-called ‘safe sex’ is protection. The two most popular forms are the ‘condom’ and something that I hear is somewhat of an infernal baby- killing pill. The condom is quite simple: it is a suit of armor the boy uses to stop his baby juice. The condom can be made of many different materials, the most popular being sheepskin, I’m told.
Unfortunately, I can’t go into specifics regarding how the pill works, as only the Devil himself is fully able to comprehend its trickery.
Once you’ve already taken the plunge of protecting yourself from God’s punishments for having casual sex, boys, you will pull out your ‘pee pees,’ and girls, you will pull out your vaginas. The bus basically drives itself from there. You’re going to want to rub your parts together in a choppy, rigorous motion. The main thing you want to achieve is a great deal of friction.
You do not stop until the pee pee is bleeding white blood everywhere. But don’t be scared! That’s when you know you did it good and right, my pa told me. And considering I’m here talking to you today, I think he knows what he’s talking about.
So just a quick PSA to close this speech: If you plan on having sex and need condoms during the next year, or just need a quick talk about why you hate God, my door is always open.
Thanks and have a blessed day.
