Schlissel Struggling To Nail Down Group Halloween Costume


Schlissel also stopped by the Party City in Ypsilanti to “check out some options” before heading into work on Monday.

Sources report there was tension in the Fleming Administration Building Monday, when break room small talk suddenly turned to Halloween—launching a forty-five-minute staff meeting in hopes of finally nailing down the group costume.

“On Monday, Mark came to work with an idea about how we should do something fun as an office,” said Dean Andrew Martin. “Next thing I know we’re locked in the conference room debating between the solar system or Michigan lighthouses.”

The group reportedly found common ground when Vice President of Student Life E. Royster Harper suggested an office supplies theme. “The wide range of clips and writing utensils would give each of us an opportunity to express our own diverse personalities,” explained Martin.

“It’s important that we have the best group costume—everyone knows whatever group has the best costume gets the most candy!” said President Schlissel. “But everyone also knows that the best costume within the best group costume gets even more candy, which is why I’m going as the stapler.”

Despite his enthusiasm, President Schlissel received some resistance from Provost Martha Pollack, who also expressed interest in being the stapler. Dissatisfied with her assignment, Pollack threatened to make the group walk.

“She can’t do this to me. She knows that without her minivan we won’t even get halfway through Kerrytown,” retorted Schlissel. “It’s just not fair.”

“Plus, E. Royster said I would have to wear a coat if we walk. That would totally ruin my costume!”

“And Martin thinks he can just dibs rubber band? Ha! Try Elmer’s Glue, buddy,” Schlissel continued. “I’m not trying to hurt anyone’s feelings, but I think the costume basically picks itself: Harper is scissors, Munson is a calculator, and Pollack is a paper clip—basically a less-cool staple!”

At press time, Schlissel agreed to Pollack dressing as a stapler on the condition that he would be “a super stapler with laser staples.”

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