‘The Best Thing About Our Organization Is The People,’ Says Clan Of Assholes

Parker (pictured) lists Jordan Belfort in the "Inspirational People" section of his Facebook profile.

While kicking off this year’s new member reception for the student organization “Michigan Students In Blazers,” executive board members revealed Sunday that the best thing about their band of insufferable assholes was in fact, the people.

“The tight-knit community of douchebags that we have here is unrivaled, unparalleled, and can’t be matched,” announced President Jake Parker to his fellow club members, draped over his chair. “You guys are really lucky to be where you are right now.”

Citing the organization’s “highly selective” application process, Vice President Jeff Schwartz added that MSIB attracts some of the most abhorrent minds on campus. “I know for a fact that any one of our members would gladly prevent someone from sitting in an empty lecture hall seat because they had saved the entire row for their fellow dickheads,” Schwartz said. “And that’s a special kind of camaraderie.”

Parker reportedly went on to address allegations of homogeneity in the organization by talking about the ways in which MSIB exemplifies diversity. “Our members come from all different kinds of reputable, accredited preparatory schools, and after their time here, they will go on to contribute profound douchery to a wide variety of institutions, spanning Wall Street to the House of Representatives,” he said.

“Likewise, some of our members are the kind of detestable asswipes who would ask about your summer plans just to talk about their better ones, whereas others are the kind who would just straight up piss on your carpet on a Friday night. What binds these loathsome men together is their shared ability to talk about “shit” that was “dope” loudly enough to be heard on the other side of the dining hall.”

Schwartz concluded his speech by reassuring new members that the bond would not end at graduation. “Joining Michigan Students In Blazers means joining a network of like-minded assholes at home and abroad. I guarantee that no matter where you go in life, there will always be a fellow asshole to loudly network with at a coffee shop where everyone else is working quietly.”

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