Senior Citizens, Sorority Girls Most Likely to Gab Incessantly About How They Got Injured Last Week


The two demographics also share an affinity for Sutter Home White Zinfandel.

While recovering from last week’s reportedly inexplicable slips, trips and falls, both the elderly women and the sorority sisters in attendance at Aventura’s Sunday brunch could be overheard informing their friends and “anyone who made eye-contact” about their minor bruising and general soreness.

“I was heading out the door to pick up Sheila from her eye exam and boom! I was on my back in the foyer,” said Sherri Cruse, an 80-year old retiree. “Those tiles were so hard!”

Kevin Wolfe, a fellow patron at Aventura’s, reported that “The girls at the table over wouldn’t stop comparing the scrapes on their arms. No one could remember when or where they got them.”

“Seriously, the bruises came out of nowhere. Like I’m pretty sure someone pushed me like I’m actually going to call my mom to see if we should sue,” said Sigma Kappa member Liza Meyer.

Rosa Todd, a member of Riverview Retirement Home commented, “I’m going to sue. I swear to God I almost lost a leg coming out of that elevator! They really need to fill that gap in between the elevator and the ground. It’s like they want people to fall.”

Added Myrtle Collins, “Did you know I fell last week?”

Urgent care physician Dr. Jeffrey Goldberg echoed local sentiment. “I can’t even tell you how many elderly and college-aged patients come in here for Neosporin and a wrist brace.. They always describe exactly what the circumstances were and who they were with. Why would I need to know that?”


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