Angry over his family’s noisy distractions from the evening’s showing of Fox and Friends last night, Jared Parker, 14, declared that “he wished he had never been given holy life at conception,” before slamming his bedroom door.
Parker claims his emotional troubles have become more pronounced since he began high school this fall. “No one understands me,” he said. “Sometimes I just wish my mom and dad hadn’t been united in love for each other and Jesus Christ and then given life to my soul through the physical bonds of matrimony.”
Parker’s family have noticed his change in attitude as well. According to his mother Shelly, Jared has begun “muttering about how God should’ve never made him in his image and likeness, and he wishes God hadn’t chosen his soul for the blessing of life when he was conceived.”
“Of course that’s hard for a parent to hear,” Shelly continued, “but I think it’s just a normal teenage phase.”
At press time, Parker was telling his mother that he hopes she rots in Purgatory for several years.