Elementary School Teacher Only In It For The Stories

Hammond says she plans on bringing a treat to class in order to spark conversation at her upcoming dinner party.

Veteran educator Lorrie Hammond, who has taught fifth grade in the Grand Rapids public school district for fifteen years, reportedly admitted that the most rewarding part of her job is the way her stories of “undermedicated” students and their “batshit insane” parents can draw people to her at any given social event.

“When I chose a career fifteen years ago, I knew I wanted to do something that would enrich my life,” Hammond explained. “And teaching really has done that for me. At any given time, I have a story ready to tell about a student who threw a temper tantrum, insulted me, or shared with me some disgusting bodily function they’d experienced.”

Continued Hammond, “Since I began working, I’ve become a more confident, capable person, and infinitely more sought after in my social circle. My friends love hearing about how my students disrespect me and how the parents question every professional decision I make!”

Even her family life has been enriched by her work, Hammond said. “My husband always loves hearing about my work,” she explained. “Just the other day, I was telling him about one student I have whose family refuses to seek help for his severe ADHD. The child was crawling around under his desk while I tried to teach the rest of the class fractions. And if they don’t understand the lesson by standardized test season, my job is in jeopardy. My husband loved it!”

According to Hammond, she is not the only person in her field who feels the social benefit of her work. “My colleagues and I love meeting in the staff lounge to talk about the various smells our students subject us to. Since I’m teaching 5th grade, I really have a monopoly on the body odor stories, though!”

“My friend Lara is always more popular than me at parties. She’s a first grade teacher, so there’s no way I can compete with that,” Hammond explained. “She was telling this story the other day about how her student shit his pants and smeared it on his chair. When she got to the part about how she was gagging the whole time she cleaned it up, everyone was laughing so hard!”

“Yeah, the stories are definitely a perk,” Hammond said. “Of course, the $30k salary is a nice touch too.”

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