After four years of issuing challenging coursework as “tests of character,” the Biochemistry Department has finally weeded its Class of 2016 down to “the chosen one,” department heads announced Friday.
“Breanna Diane Muffett, hallowed be her name, has succeeded where many have failed, has proven her honor in the face of adversity, and most of all, has demonstrated a mastery of weekly quizzes and research projects,” Program Director Jeffrey Nordquist bellowed from the balcony of Medical Science Research Building II to a rapt audience of underclassmen. “We have waited four long years for this day. Ever since the year of our Lord 2012, when she excelled on the first preliminary BIO 305 test of wit, we knew Breanna would be the One.”
“Many fierce competitors have challenged her promise throughout, but they have come and they have gone with the rest of them,” boomed Professor Jane Lalonde. “With the abominable failings of an unnamed runner-up who this week dropped the major just six credits shy, Breanna is now the only survivor in her senior stratum.”
After being brought out onto the balcony to ovation among the throngs of faculty and underclassmen, Muffett delivered an impromptu speech accepting the recognition.
“I have brought great honor to the Muffett name,” said the One. “In my journey to this day, I have faced many trials, staved off great temptations to maybe switch to COMM, and have lost too many friends in the fight to even count. I just hope when I reach the gates of Heaven my contributions to the craft outweigh my moral failings along the way.”
Sources confirm that in the duration of the ceremony only three students ran to the front of the crowd and shouted “It’s not fair!” before being escorted away by guards.
