Experts Conclude EPA Only Intervening in World Affairs for Its Oil Reserves

Sources suggest that the EPA also has interest in protecting the welfare of cheap labor.

Last Monday, an international panel of experts gathered in Toronto, Canada to discuss the possibility that the U.S. federal government’s Environmental Protection Agency’s only reason to save the Earth’s environment is to gain access to its numerous rich oil deposits.

“The data speaks for itself,” said Shelby Morgenstern, Professor of Statistics at the University of Toronto. “There is a 100% correlation between planets that the EPA has invested resources into and planets that contain oil.”

Morgenstern continued, “Oil on Venus? No. How much money did the EPA spend last year to stop deforestation on Venus? Zero dollars. Oil on Neptune? None at all, just like the EPA’s presence. Don’t even get me started on Saturn. The facts consistently add up.”

Morgenstern’s colleague, Professor Guilherme Martinez of the University of São Paulo’s History department, also commented on the EPA’s historical trends.

“As records clearly show, the EPA never even existed before the advent of crude oil,” said Martinez. “They came into being a mere 110 years after the first oil drilling was done. Clearly, if it hadn’t been for the discovery of oil on Earth, the EPA would never even have been interested in it at all.”

In a press conference held by the EPA to respond to these allegations, representatives claimed that the agency “has nothing but ecological rights and global plant security in mind,” and that “the influence of the EPA provides a much-needed stabilizing force to the planet.”

At press time, Professor Morgenstern was describing how the EPA’s fight against air pollution is a thinly veiled attempt to secure wind resources for future exploitation.

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