“Do these have jelly?” asked Kassem.
Following a bloody rampage in the Northeast region of the Syrian countryside, ISIS fighter Abu Abdul Kassem is reportedly hesitant to eat one of the dozen donuts on the conference room table in fear they might be “for something specific.”
Kassem, a mid-level employee of DAESH, is relatively new to the militant group. “I don’t want to step on any toes you know?” Kassem said. “A global Islamic caliphate only really works if we all work together. I wouldn’t want to eat someone else’s snack.”
The fighter, who has committed himself to the efforts of Sunni rule in Iraq, Syria and the Levant, did note to a fellow militant rebel that “the donuts have been sitting out for a while,” and was reportedly overheard asking, “no one would notice if I just took half of the one with the sprinkles, right?”
“I checked around and the only group plans are at four when we’re shooting AK-47s in the air from the beds of trucks while proclaiming a theocratic state under Sharia rule,” Kassem said.
Kassem, who splits his time between ethnic cleansing in Iraq and kidnapping foreign journalists, isn’t supposed to eat trans fat according to his doctor, but believes that he has earned a cheat day after “the week he’s had.”
At press time, the known fundamentalist terrorist determined he will eat one of the donuts if they’re all still there by the end of the Judgment Day.
