Smashed Granola Bar at Bottom of Backpack a Somewhat Comforting Reminder That Susie Has Lesser Failures, Too

Roman said the fate of the granola bar is likely far better than that of her future career.

In a somewhat comforting reminder that not everything she does is a major fuck-up, LSA junior Susie Roman found Thursday that the granola bar she had packed earlier that day was smashed at the bottom of her backpack.

“I picked up the bar and the wrapper was just limp and bottom-heavy, and I was kind of bummed,” Roman said. “But then I remembered that slurping down crushed granola from a plastic wrapper is actually the least of my worries.”

Roman reportedly was breaking for a snack after an STI screening at UHS when she fished the granola bar out from underneath binders and her laptop.

“After getting stood-up by Tinder Mike last night and learning that the deadline for applying to that internship that I forgot about was ‘firm,’ the granola bar thing was just kind of slapstick,” Roman said. “I’d already expended all my emotional energy after getting a 45 on that Spanish midterm, so finding that granola bar was almost refreshing.”

The LSA junior consumed the granola bar by opening one end of the wrapper and holding it by and shaking from the other, only missing her mouth on a couple chunks.

“I think that cute boy from my hall last year saw me licking the wrapper as he walked around the corner,” Roman said. “I only sprayed a little granola at him when I said hi.”

Roman tried to pick bits of oats out from the bottom of her backpack before zipping it up haphazardly and running towards a bus that was starting to leave C. C. Little.

“I swear there’s something wrong with me. I set myself up for failure every time,” Roman said. “Why didn’t I just buy the chewy kind?”

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