You’ve Impressed Me, and Let Me Tell You, I Am Very Easily Impressed

Could you step into my office for a moment? Pull up a chair and make yourself comfortable. You should be proud. Your performance has been in tip-top shape lately. I’ll get straight to the point: you’ve impressed me, and that happens fairly often.

As you know, I’m quite easily impressed. I’d say I get impressed by something around three times a day, and you’re no exception. Exceptional work ethic, going above the call of duty, simple magic tricks, they all work on me.

Now, you shouldn’t feel guilty about this. This isn’t really a comment on you at all, rather it simply reflects just how easy it is to impress me. Why, just this morning I was impressed with the quality of the break room sandwiches. Trust me, you deserve this accolade, at least I think you do.

Don’t get me wrong, you certainly aren’t the first person to receive my commendations. Others who have walked this path before you include Roger from Sales, Quinn from Marketing, and the highly underrated Emeril Lagasse, who I watch every week. Have you seen that man filet a lobster? Incredible. All of you have done something that I, with my unusually low standards, have deemed exceptional in some way.

How is this going to affect you? You, my boy, are getting a promotion, in spite of the fact that upper management tells me I’ve given out too many of those this quarter. Never mind them—you’ll be getting a bigger office and a hefty salary increase!

Your new office is right down the hall from mine, and it has a very impressive view of the side of the building next to this one. It also has a personal $25 coffee maker that caught my eye on Craigslist. You can brew three mugs worth on a single fill! No need to thank me, you deserve it.

Hey, I just noticed your tie—is that from the clearance rack at Macy’s? That’s impressive, son. That’s just the kind of thing I’ll be expecting more of from you. You’ve done me and this company—well, mostly me—proud. Keep up the ever-so-slightly above average work.

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