Local Man Makes Sure To Place Hand On Everyone’s Lower Back As He Navigates Party

Walking through the crowd at a house party last Saturday night, LSA senior Michael Derrigo was reportedly seen placing his hand on other partygoers’ lower backs as he passed by.

“It’s super crowded and hot in here, so I just like to make sure that I give people little love taps as I move around. I want to make sure no one bumps into me, but I want to do it gently,” explained Derrigo. “It’s just a little something I do.”

Although Derrigo was quick to defend his habit, other partygoers took note of what they call his “chronic” tendency to not merely place his hand on everyone’s back, but to “run his sweaty palms up and down” and “hold it there for, like, a solid five seconds.”

“He could just pat me on the shoulder or at least nudge me aside or something,” said Engineering sophomore Sarah Mott. “But instead, he gave me a squeeze on both hips, muttered something about ‘getting through,’ and edged by me real slowly.”

“I watched him turn sideways so that he could slide between two people, but instead of just moving past them, he just kinda moved between them so that he could slide up on some girls back just a little bit,” said Ford junior Mitch Hodak. “He was also fist bumping the whole time, so I’m not exactly sure what his intentions were right there.”

Although Derrigo stated that he was “just trying to get to the kitchen to get a drink,” the party’s hosts concluded that they should “keep an eye on that dude.”

At press time, Derrigo was rubbing someone’s shoulders as he was, “just sneaking past.”

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