Falling just short of the three page minimum, Mark Schlissel was reportedly forced to enlarge the margins of his campus-wide memo last Friday.
“Yeah, I’ll admit it wasn’t my best work,” said Schlissel when asked to comment. “E. Royster and I were in the dining hall at the time, and I absentmindedly checked Canvas and whammy! Three page memo due in an hour! It would’ve been better if I had more time, I swear.”
Witnesses confirmed that Schlissel’s memo initially seemed to have filled out all requisite pages until he scrolled up and realized that he forgot to delete his outline, at which point he began to double the font size of all the punctuation. It was only after those changes that Schlissel noticed he would have to increase the margin sizes as well.
“That was really annoying,” said Schlissel of the incident. “I’m just glad it wasn’t a word count minimum, or I would’ve had to expand all my contractions and I really hate doing that.”
“I suppose I could have written a few more lines, the usual spiel about promoting diversity or something,” continued Schlissel. “But I kinda feel like that’s less honest than just adding in some formatting stuff, right? At least this way I mean everything I say, even if I did put in an empty line in between all my paragraphs.”
Sources also said that Schlissel had gone around the office asking other administrators for memo ideas. “This is the third time in a row Mark has gotten memo ideas from me,” said Sally Churchill, Vice President of the University. “I honestly don’t understand why he always puts off these kinds of things until the last second.”
At press time Schlissel was copy and pasting parts of Mary Sue Coleman’s convocation speech into his own.
