‘Cam Newton Has No Heart’ Says Man Who Sits in Cubicle All Day

Malcolm also commented that Carmelo Anthony “doesn’t play any defense.”

Following Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton’s mediocre performance in the Super Bowl, accountant Brent Malcolm was overheard telling his coworkers that “[he] can just see how little Cam cares when he plays,” before half-heartedly completing his boss’ assignment and taking a 30 minute bathroom break.

“Just look at the guy’s body language when he’s on the field,” said the man who had moved only his fingers for the past several hours while sitting at his desk. “He slouches when he’s on the bench, and after a bad performance, he won’t even talk to the media.”

Regarding Newton’s play in the Super Bowl, Malcolm said, “No touchdowns, an interception, and six sacks in the biggest game of the season won’t cut it in the National Football League. Anyone can tell that he’s soft, and that’s why so many players in this league don’t respect him.”

Malcolm proceeded to glance at the office clock to check if it was 5:00 p.m. yet.

Malcolm then continued to compare Newton to other players in the league, who he claimed “may be less skilled, but make up for it with extra time in the gym and watching film,” before eating his third doughnut of the afternoon.

“John Kuhn is the kind of player I can respect. He’s scrappy, you know? A real sparkplug for his offense. Whenever he’s out on the gridiron, you know he’s going to give it his all,” Malcolm explained as he sent an email to his office with several glaring spelling mistakes.

At press time, Newton was already preparing for next season, while Malcolm was hitting snooze on his alarm clock for the sixth time.

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