Jeb Bush Builds Fort Out of Boxes of Unused Campaign Merchandise, Still Won’t Come Out

Bush has been kept company by his imaginary friend, Paco.

Sources close to former Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush report that he has returned to his home in Florida and constructed a fort out of unopened boxes of campaign merchandise, from which he staunchly refuses to emerge.

The fort is five boxes high at points, seven boxes deep, and was constructed using Jeb’s living room couch as a foundation. A handwritten sign reading “No self-finansing [sic] candidates allowed” in green marker with an “unflattering” caricature of Donald Trump taped near the entrance.

House guests have claimed that they have heard vintage episodes of The Lone Ranger playing from within the box fort, and a set of Archie comics has gone missing from Jeb’s son George’s childhood room. While the thick stacks of undelivered campaign pamphlets inside the boxes muffle most sounds, witnesses have reported “sniffling.”

“I’ve tried to coax him out by making my special lasagna—it’s his favorite,” said mother Barbara Bush. “That always used to work on George, but Jeb was always a tad more stubborn. Sometimes it’s best to just let him burn out on his own.”

At Barbara’s instruction, Jeb’s house staff have been regularly placing meals at the fort’s entrance and returning when Jeb has finished the food and pushed out the empty plates.

At press time, Jeb’s resolve reportedly began to waver when his wife Columba told him that his dog Marvin was starting to miss him.

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