Report: Peyton Manning Wandering Aimlessly Around Mansion Waiting to Masturbate Again

Manning was seen drinking Gatorade to stay hydrated for his next masturbation session.

According to sources close to the situation, former NFL quarterback Peyton Manning has been spent his retirement from the NFL thus far by roaming the halls of his mansion, waiting for his body to allow him to masturbate once again.

Manning, a five-time league MVP and two-time Super Bowl Champion, had previously woken up at 5 a.m. every day for the past two decades to attend team practices, press conferences, workouts, or games themselves. Meanwhile, he has masturbated 35 times in the past week alone, a feat he accomplished after rewatching tape from all of his professional games and finishing every season of House of Cards.

“After winning two Super Bowls, playing 18 seasons, and being an international superstar, I don’t really have much to do,” commented Manning after taking two laps around his New Orleans estate while waiting for his refractory period to pass.

Although Manning intends to dedicate more time to his non-profit foundation in retirement, he has reportedly spent most of his time staring at his fish tank, anticipating the moment he can masturbate in his home office once again.

After perusing his trophy collection later today, Manning stated that he plans on “another afternoon of prolonged masturbation.”

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