SeaWorld Promises to Release Florida Tourists Into Wild by 2018

The first set of tourists being released into the Everglades.

Following years of activist complaints, social media campaigns, and general public discontent, spokespersons for SeaWorld Orlando have announced the theme park’s plan to prepare all Florida tourists for release at the soonest possible time.

“We care very much about these tourists,” said spokesperson Linda Klien. “We’ve cared for them as long as they’ve been in the confines of our park, but now we believe it’s time that they go out into the wild and learn to find happiness, entertainment, and family connection on their own.”

Continued Klien, “These are beautiful, majestic creatures. They come into our parks every season with tightly-laced sneakers, leashes on their children, and pockets full of Chewy Granola Bars—and we couldn’t be more excited to have them.”

“But after a certain amount of time, we know it would be a disservice to keep them out of their natural habitat,” she said.

Klein went on to explain that although SeaWorld aims to recreate an authentic environment for the tourists, it is ultimately healthiest for the tourists to return to the wild, where they must encounter parts of daily human life that the park “simply can’t fabricate,” such as relationship building and occupying their minds without incessant theme park music and flashy attractions.

SeaWorld Orlando is likely making this shift in response to the barrage of complaints they have received since activists began working to make known the poor conditions Florida tourists endure during their time at the park.

“It’s disgusting to see what these poor people go through,” said activist Sophie Welles. “They’re forced in close quarters with thousands of other obese, sweaty bodies, most of whom are wearing clothing too small for them. They’re fed limp hot dogs and coleslaw. And this is something not many people know—at the end of the day, many of the older tourists are led into stores where they’re tricked into purchasing plush toys for the younger ones.”

At press time, a group of tourists in SeaWorld Orlando were being forced to pose for pictures in front of the entrance sign, much to the delight of their social media audience.

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