10 Ecological Niches You Could Probably Fill Way Better Than These Stupid Animals


1) Nitrogen-Fixing Bacteria

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Nitrogen-fixing? Is nitrogen even broken? What a crock of shit. If nitrogen-fixing is anything like AC repair, you barely need an associate’s degree for that.

2) Wolves

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These guys are “important” because otherwise the “rabbit population” would “explode past sustainability”. You know what else explodes? Big-ass fucking bombs, which you can make in your own garage with a little gunpowder and and internet connection. That’ll take care of excess rabbits. While you’re at it, blow up some stupid wolves too. We don’t need ‘em.

3) Ants

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Does anyone even know what ants do? We sure as hell don’t, but whatever it is, you could probably do it better. We believe in you.

4) Dogs

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Can you bark and woof? Can you crawl around on all fours? Congrats, you can be a dog. Sure dogs can do tricks, but you can already read. Why do you need some guy to teach you tricks when you could just look it up on Yahoo! Answers? Plus you’re already potty trained, probably.

5) Songbirds

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It’s called “Spotify”, mother nature. Fuck your stupid birds.

6) Rocks

Have you ever heard the phrase “dumb as a rock?” They say that because rocks are dumb as fuck, so their ecological role could easily be replaced by humans.

7) Albatrosses

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All we can tell about these bird things is that ancient people used to use them to fly between heaven and earth, and also probably to work. You know what else can do that? Airplanes, which you can also get drunk on. Q.E.D.

8) Giant African Weeping Camels

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It is laughable that nature thinks it could create a creature that cries more than us. Laughable.


9) Pandas

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“Oh look, I’m a Panda. I just sit on my ass all day so I can eat bamboo and only have sex once a year.” Even if you’re unemployed, you’re probably more useful than a Panda.

10) Prairie Dog

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Woohoo, a bunch of fucking rats in holes. I’d pit a human war trench against a prairie dog tunnel any day of the damn week.

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