Family Reunion Spent Reaffirming Most Superficial Thing About Relatives

At a park in northern Michigan this past weekend, sources reported that the Ashley family came together for the 23rd Annual Ashley Jubilee to rekindle old relationships based on the sole thing each family member knew about one another.

Underneath a plastic banner printed for the occasion, the family roamed the park’s public pavilion in a slow circle, pausing to speak to each new face and ask the same set of rehearsed questions they had asked at every reunion previously.

“It was good to hear that everyone is still doing well, and working the same jobs,” said Aunt Jill Ashley. “I always wanted a big, close-knit family growing up, so having these gatherings is a dream come true.”

“How’s work going? Still at the Paper Mill?” asked John Ashley of his cousin Dan, who replied, “Yes! It’s great. How’s the wife?”

After a brief moment of nodding, the two separated and stood silently beside their wives.

Having fielded the same sequence of questions from every aunt and uncle, who asked her, “How’s college? What’s your major?” Lily Ashley responded, “majorly confused” to the next 14 relatives to inquire into her future.

Jill Ashley then reportedly nuzzled her niece’s head and retold the same story of her childhood for the tenth year in a row.

“You knew what photosynthesis was when you were 7 years old! I just know you’ll be an astronaut one day,” said Jill.

“I see you’re pregnant! Congratulations!” said Jill to her brother’s young wife, Tiffany, who smiled and said, “We’re not finding out the sex until it’s plain as day!” for the 15th time that afternoon.

Jill Ashley smiled at the news, and said, “I’m so happy we do this every year. I think it really keeps the family together.”

After nine hours of being asked if he’d had enough to eat, Grandpa Phil Ashley was reportedly slumped over, napping in front of 6 empty styrofoam plates on one of the park benches.

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