Report: Housemate Not Not Trying To Fuck Hot Neighbors

Said Haldeman,“I wouldn’t not smash some poon if one walked through that door right now.”

After a chance meeting with the new neighbors, housemate Jordan Haldeman announced last Friday that while he didn’t want to “make things awkward for the rest of the year,” he was now “not not trying to pork one of the straight tens” living next door.

“I’ve gotta level with you guys,” said Haldeman, addressing the six young men with whom he shares a rental home. “I know we have big plans to make this street a community and eventually throw that block party, but short-term, I’m not not trying to crush some tail.”

Haldeman reportedly introduced himself to the “slammin’ babes” during a routine trip to the recycling bin, where he made eye contact with one of the “smokeshows” unloading her dresser in the driveway at 116 North Ingalls.

Sources claim it was Haldeman’s “flirty handshake” that “set the mood” enough to garner an invitation to meet the rest of the female housemates, wherein it was confirmed that every member of the house was “unreal hot.”

Haldeman reportedly returned to his own home to address his housemates about the developing situation.

“I’m not saying we should all go over there with cupcakes and our dicks out,” conceded Haldeman, “but let’s just say I’m not not trying to hit bonertown before Christmas.”

When reached for comment, no residents of 116 North Ingalls indicated a remote interest in any past, present, or future members of Haldeman’s residence.

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