New iOS Update Promises Users Even More Profound Divide From Rest Of Society

Several weeks after the release of the long anticipated software update, iPhone users across the country are praising an improved user interface, intuitive notification center, and an even more profound separation from family and friends.

The update is the product of beta tests to respond to user feedback that their iPhones didn’t provide quite the isolating detachment from humanity at all hours of the day and night that they were hoping for.

“We’re really excited about this new update,” commented Victor Kelly, Apple’s head of new software development. “We pride ourselves on being at the helm of customer experience, and we think this new version will virtually eliminate any need to engage in eye contact, smiling, or other cultural norms historically associated with human interaction.”

The revamped operating system raises the bar for digital expression by allowing users to draw and send pictures via text as well as generate a range of touch based visual effects to further enable the crippling attachment they feel towards their cell phone. Voice notifications between devices will ensure that even people living in the same house will not have to communicate in person, and can continue relinquishing their individual identity to their iPhone.

Todd Graham, a recent adopter of the iOS update, remarked, “I love the new features of iOS 10, especially the fact that I can stay up all night scrolling through apps and feel completely depleted of energy to interact with my coworkers the next morning.”

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