Citing a desire to jump-start fundraising a month before the university’s annual Giving Blue Day, President Schlissel announced Wednesday the launch of a bold new fundraising campaign with the aid of his old “Coinmaster Pro” metal detector.
“With all of this nasty stuff going on around campus— protests, harassment, exams—I got to thinking, what could I, the president of the university, be doing to help?” said Schlissel. “Well, the next day I was walking to work and—lo and behold— there’s a penny just laying there on the ground. Right at my feet! I made sure it was heads up, since tails is actually bad luck, ya know? And then I thought about all the other pennies there must be around there and decided if I found enough, that could probably be a lot of money!”
Sources report that Schlissel immediately solicited the Regent Plaza fountain, the bottom of which is littered with “pennies, quarters, and even a few half dollars,” to endow his new fund.
“My ol’ Coinmaster was making so much noise, I thought the darn thing was on the fritz again.” said Schlissel. “I mean, water isn’t made out of metal, duh! But then I looked through the water and—jackpot! I immediately knew I’d be able to make a real impact on campus with all that cash.”
According to Schlissel, the metal detector, which locates metallic objects by sensing anomalies in its self-generated magnetic field, “goes BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! Really fast” when he brings it on the bus, but “really, really slow” when he points it at the tree behind his house.
“My trusty metal detector and I have been working around the clock to raise money for my new initiative,” said Schlissel. “Yesterday I just stood in front of the Coinstar in Kroger, and CSG promised to match all of the funds I raised.”
Witnesses report seeing Schlissel dig up crushed beer cans near Shady Phi’s volleyball pit and search the cracks of every cushioned chair in Rackham Auditorium. In the days following his campaign’s inception, a spokesperson for the President’s office has reported the discovery of three Mcards, some paper clips, and over five dollars.
Said Schlissel, “If I can keep this up, Trotter Multicultural Center will have a new lava lamp for their lounge in no time!”
