University Unveils Initiative To Combat Mental Health Problems It The Cause Of

Students can leave their shoes and worries outside the bounce-house, where they will be waiting for them when they get out.

In a recent email to students, faculty and staff, the University of Michigan proudly unveiled a new initiative designed to help curtail and treat the mental health problems it is directly responsible for.

The initiative, which was developed in response to the emerging epidemic of mental illness on college campuses, will introduce games, activities, and workshops to help students relax between bouts of studying until 2 a.m. for 8 a.m. lectures. Among other events, the University will reportedly schedule irregular cookie-decorating nights, movie screenings, and diag concerts to help students maintain a healthy perspective before taking a test that will permanently demarcate their proficiency within a given subject.

“During high-anxiety times like exam week, we think it’s important to remind students that no test will make or break their future,” said E. Royster Harper, Vice President of Student Life, failing to mention the permanent neuroses caused by the sustained pressures of a meritocratic educational system. “We’re so excited to be able to share these opportunities with our students.”

Many students expressed excitement following the announcement, seeing the new outlets as welcome respites during a particularly busy time of year.

“It’ll be nice to take a few minutes for myself. I’ve got four exams next week, and if I don’t ace two of them, I won’t have the minimum GPA required for the grad program I’ve been looking at,” said Joe Kitchin, a senior studying psychology. “I’ll have a few months here before I have to start paying my student loans back, so I’m not really sure what to do if I can’t find a job either. But did you see they’re raffling a GoPro?”

The University’s initiative is part of a recent wave of mental health awareness campaigns across the country. Historically a taboo subject amongst administrators, many universities are now doing their part to address these issues while remaining their primary cause.

Despite introducing annual tuition hikes, fostering campus insularity through egregious workloads, and tacitly promoting competition amongst peers, the University of Michigan will reportedly demonstrate its commitment to student welfare by making underfunded psychological services staffed by student volunteers more accessible.

The creation of this new initiative, in order to address the underlying causes of a pervasive mental health crisis, will provide students with some puppies to pet on the diag while they wait to pick up adderall from a friend before failing an Orgo II midterm.

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