Local Woman Won’t Shut Up About Life-Threatening Shellfish Allergy

Doyle causing yet another inconvenience at a local restaurant.


Area woman Emma Doyle has reportedly been frustrating members of her community by being seemingly unable to talk about any subject other than her life-threatening allergy to certain types of shellfish.

Reports say that Doyle, who has been living with the potentially lethal allergy to shellfish since she was diagnosed at age four, brings up the allergy “at restaurants, family meals, everywhere.”

“It’s always, ‘Are there pawns in this dish?’ or ‘I don’t know if I can eat this gumbo,’” said Doyle’s friend, Kevin Belinski. “I mean, you might die, we get it already.’”

“You know the old saying: How do you spot someone with a shrimp allergy? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you,” said Sandy Briers, Doyle’s roommate. “Emma’s like that. On and on about epipens and complaining that she can’t eat any hors devours because ‘her throat will close’. Just because you can’t eat clams without going into a coma it doesn’t mean you have to shove your lifestyle down everyone else’s faces.”

Added Belinski, “It’s like she’s just looking for an excuse to preach to me about deadly seafood allergies.”

Briers noted that since Doyle has been living with a shellfish allergy all her life, she should “be used to it by now and stop telling everyone about it.” He later added, “Last week we went to a restaurant and she asked if she could have a word with the chef. Seriously, it’s embarrassing.”

“Lactose makes me a little gassy,” added Briers. “That doesn’t mean I have to talk about it all the time.”

At press time, Doyle was further irritating her friends by explaining the concept of cross-contamination.

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