Returning home after a lengthy, grueling shift thanking voters at Trump campaign offices, Vice President-elect Mike Pence was reportedly putting away his tie, prying off his shoes, and hanging his face up “to cool off for a while.”
“Man, I needed that,” said the fleshy, undulating mass once hidden by Mike Pence’s face. “There’s just been so much pressure on me with this whole election business, you know? All that smiling and laughing and rearranging my mask to communicate appropriate responses to human interaction. By the time I got out of work, my face was a sweating mess. If I didn’t take it off to dry every once in awhile, it’d be downright disgusting.”
Added the husk of Mike Pence, “Every now and again I just need to sit back, relax, and feel the cool air under my face for a bit. It gets all cramped up with that rigid smile stuck in place.”
According to Pence’s wife, Karen, this behavior has been fairly standard since their marriage. “I won’t pretend it isn’t more than a little unnerving when he does that,” said Mrs. Pence, “but I appreciate all the effort he makes in trying to arrange his visage into something appearing vaguely humanoid.”
At press time, Pence could be seen almost leaving the house without his face on, then catching himself and muttering “oh, Mike,” with a knowing chuckle.
