Child With Mid-December Birthday Wondering How He’s Going To Get Screwed This Year

Noting that he has historically been cheated out of presents by virtue of his birthday’s proximity to Christmas, local boy Eric Keenan recently wondered what gift-givers would try to pull this year to avoid giving him presents for both holidays.

“I’m used to it at this point,” said Keenan, whose December 17th birthday has almost always produced half the presents of kids with birthdays that did not fall in December.

“I can’t wait to see what my grandparents come up with this time. Last year they said they were just going to get me a snowboard and that since it was a big gift it would ‘count for my birthday and Christmas.’ They clearly don’t get it. It’s about the numbers.”

Keenan, who celebrated his 16th birthday the year before, noted that he had received more presents than usual the year prior, but figured it was only because it was his “sweet sixteen.”

“They all want to seem like they care for the landmark holidays. It’ll be back to the same old shit this year. I can’t wait to see what they pull for my 17th. I’m sure they’ll find a way to screw me over, even on my golden birthday.”

Though Keenan’s mother did sympathize with her son, she noted the unfortunate predicament that came with his December birth.

“I do feel bad for him,” said Cynthia Keenan, who over the years had become extremely crafty in the ways she would deprive her son of a normal load of Christmas and birthday presents. “Sure, we might let him know that a couple of his birthday presents might count for both, but seriously, how many things does he need at once? I have other people to buy for, too!”

Keenan has reportedly produced a list well in advance of the forthcoming holiday season so as to provide adequate opportunities for family and friends to get gifts, but remains pessimistic about his upcoming yield, especially considering that he has “gotten wind that [his] cousins are going to Florida this winter break, and won’t be able to make it to the normal family gathering.”

“I heard they were just mailing us their presents this year, and they were just going to send my birthday presents along with. Figures, with Uncle Jeff. Doesn’t surprise me one bit, the dang coward.”

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