According to global economic reports and financial projections, the stock market dove almost 2,000 points yesterday after Gary pressed the wrong button on the trading floor for the third time this week.
Comparing crude oil prices with the relative currency exchange rate of the yen, Gary probably knocked over his coffee and hit the red button on the keyboard he was told him not to touch anymore. The market, which fluctuates in terms of national debt, political upheaval, and unemployment, among other factors, was not expected to crash due to Gary’s confusing the up and down buttons again.
“I’m sorry,” commented Gary after realizing that he had just sent the Middle East into an international arms race, later adding, “It really shouldn’t happen again.”
Principal shareholders in corporations across the country have been warned by their portfolio managers to liquidate assets to safeguard against the risk of Gary goofing up the numbers again.
The New York Stock Exchange predicts that certain safeguards will prevent the country from stagflation, namely the barrier that they’re going to install to keep Gary out of the room with the central computer. The country has not felt this degree of economic downturn since the 2008 recession, when Gary typed in the wrong date on his exchange report.
At press time, The United States had declared war on South Korea after Norm forgot to CC the joint chiefs in a recent email.