Man Passes On Kleenex Tissues Infused With Lotion Despite Fact That He Will One Day Die

Rothman said he “just deals with” the dryness around his nose, which will someday decay into nothingness.

Despite definitive evidence that he will one day cease to exist and face an eternity of nothingness, area man Derek Rothman decided against going with the “ultra-soothing” Kleenex-brand facial tissues while grocery shopping, and opted for the “regular kind” instead.

“The little things add up,” commented Rothman, who will one day decompose into the earth leaving behind no discernable legacy. “I pinch pennies where I can.”

Rothman, a data analyst, reasoned that he saves about $100 dollars per year by sticking to the generic brand of facial tissues. Rothman, who will one day lose all of his facilities before his conscience goes black forever, reportedly would buy the nicer tissues if he “had a coupon or something,” but is apparently happy living his short, meaningless life in relative discomfort.

The lotion-infused tissues, which cost 85 cents more than the regular ones, would reportedly make his allergies and occasional colds slightly more tolerable. However, Rothman, during his short stint on planet earth that will end, as it will for every living thing underground in the dirt, “just doesn’t really see the point.”

Rothman, who reportedly decided to deny himself the simple pleasure of a slightly softer tissue, will certainly leave this earth as naked and afraid as he came into it.

At press time, Rothman was considering purchasing a pack of gum in the checkout line, but decided it was better not to indulge in the 30 extra calories.

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