Nation Relieved To Hear Recent Shooting Only Killed One Person

Upon hearing that a shooting had taken place somewhere in the United States this Tuesday, the nation reportedly breathed a sigh of relief to learn it had killed only one person.

“I feel lucky to live in a country where a deranged lunatic with a gun can be halted before he kills more than one individual,” said Montana native Randy Chisholm. “It makes me feel almost safe.”

According to early reports, police gunned down perpetrator Mike Gordon before he had the chance to cause further damage. Though many Americans conceded that victim Kevin Woody’s loss was “horrific,” multiple sources confirmed they took a bit of solace in the fact that “no one else was that badly hurt.”

“Could’ve been a lot worse, when you think about it,” said Alaska woman Pam Machado. “When there seems to be another tragic, multi-victim shooting every other day, you gain a little perspective on the relatively small number of casualties. In the grand scheme of things, this one wasn’t massive.”

But while some U.S. residents are treating the one-person shooting as the kind of tragedy that warrants a brief conversation around a water cooler, others have allegedly not been reacting at all. Sources say this is because they are actually not even aware it occurred.

At press time, the National Rifle Association had declined to make an official statement, saying only that they would “save their energy” for a more noteworthy act of gratuitous violence.

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