ROCKS – we walk on them, we make buildings out of them, we throw them in the river for fun – and as it turns out, they don’t like that shit at all. Imagine if people drove cars all over your friends and family – wouldn’t you be pissed too? Well buck the fuck up because they’re out for revenge.
Look at these big ugly fuckers here – those aren’t the faces of rocks who are happy and not planning the demise of mankind. What did Gutzon Borglum and company think would happen when they detonated, scraped, and chiseled this massive megalith until its hidden visages were revealed? Did they never consider that maybe they were hidden for a reason? Now they’re here, they’ve been awakened, and they are pissed.
Rocks like these are often found on beaches, having had their rough edges smoothed by eons of chemical weathering. Waves, rain, and tides beat them for ages, removing the sharp, jagged corners that the little guys use for self-defense and mating rituals. When these get taken away, the stones are left defenseless, unable to protect themselves from shit-headed kids who want to throw them into the waters upon whose shores they reside, drowning them en masse. They’re alive, they’re coming for us, and we should have seen it coming.
Geologists estimate his age to be between two- to three million years. That’s two- to three million years spent vanquishing the foes of rock-kind. Only God knows what sorcery the ancient people were able to conjure up to freeze this rock warrior, but it is estimated that whatever spells were used must be approaching their expiration date. Man, woman, and child alike should walk the earth in fear of his timeless, infinite, metamorphic wrath.
Now here is an example of the kind of pissed-off rock any one of us may encounter in our day-to-day lives. Be wary; walk with caution. Practice constant vigilance – boulders like these have been immobile for centuries, having nothing but time to seethe, brood, and plot.
The High King Himself.
The One True Monolith.
The Stone to End It All.
Mount Everest.
For years, humans have foolishly attempted to summit this peak – hoping to “conquer” the mountain. Tourists have flocked to his base, leaving behind literal tons of human waste and litter. His tip pierces the heavens, his base spans a nation, his Himalayan army stands without equal. Write to your congressional representatives, encourage them to increase funding for space travel with the end goal of human evacuation. If the King himself awakes, Gods help us all.
Little is known how we can defend against the impending mineral army. No scientist knows when the catalytic meteor will strike; a cosmological war cry mobilizing the long-forgotten and treaded-upon stones to rise up and strike their oppressors. Knives and bullets are useless; their loyalty will forever belong to those liberated stones from which they were forged. Prayer is a farce; to whom do we pray but stone representations of our earthly deities? Indeed, the way forward is unclear.
Keep your loved ones close, keep your rocks closer.
