Nation’s Older Brothers Release Study Linking Hand Size, Cancer

Earlier this week, a coalition of American older brothers published an extensive study linking the size of one’s hand to the likelihood of having cancer.

The study concludes that if an individual’s hand is of greater size than their face, then that individual is at high risk of already having cancer. The study also states that younger siblings are at the greatest risk.

“I just try to be proactive and thorough with the screening process,” older brother Thomas Bingham told reporters. “I just want to know for sure that my little brother doesn’t have cancer.”

Some younger siblings, including Johnny Moore, were skeptical of the study. “There’s no way you can tell!” he noted before placing his hand in front of his face in an effort to prove older brother, Andrew Moore wrong.

At press time, the nation’s older brothers were urging their siblings to stop hitting themselves.

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