“It was a candle you idiot!” Gingrich reportedly said to a migrant. “A candle gets shorter as it gets older!”
Preparing for his job as a border wall guard amid talks of building a thirty-foot wall along the Mexican border, Republican Newt Gingrich has reportedly been drafting a series of riddles for those wishing “I may not be serving in to pass through. Gingrich has President Trump’s cabinet, but been creating puzzles which will be used to help vet people trying to cross into the United States.
I knew I wanted to help out the party, and the nation, in other ways,” said Gingrich, who will reportedly live in the moat surrounding a proposed border gate.
“With [Gingrich’s] clever wit and troll-like appearance, he seemed like the perfect fit,” said Secretary of Homeland Security John Kelly.
Gingrich’s job will be to determine which immigrants are worthy of a path toward US citizenship by asking them to solve a series of complex verbal puzzles.
“If you don’t know what walks on four legs, then two legs, then three, you’re not entering this country,” said Gingrich.
“When we first drafted a proposal, many people were concerned that the wall wouldn’t be a strong enough security measure to stop people from entering the country illegally,” said Kelly. “Others worried that it would be too restrictive, limiting our country’s ability to exploit Mexico’s cheap labor force for profit. [Gingrich] was the perfect solution. He’ll be able to turn back a vast majority of people while admitting a select few deemed worthy enough to enter.”
Kelly added, “Plus, he’s agreed to be paid in bowls of porridge, so it’s a win-win for the taxpayer.”
Gingrich said that he’s very excited for the opportunity to serve his country. He added that he spent two years guarding a bridge in Norway in his early twenties, so he feels very prepared for the role.
At press time, Gingrich was testing the plan on incoming refugees detained at Reagan National Airport, saying, “I can only live where there is light, but I die when the light shines on me.”
