Construction On Apartment Throws Wrench In Student’s Mid-Day Masturbation Plans

Following a three hour block of back-to-back classes and a 20-minute walk home to his Kerrytown apartment, Engineering senior Sam Dake was reportedly looking forward to a “brief J-O sesh” when he discovered that construction was being performed on his apartment building right outside of his window.

“All afternoon, I was looking forward to coming home and rubbing one out, but when I saw those contractors standing on some scaffolding right next to my window, I knew it was a no-go,” said Dake.

“It’s a real shame, too,” added Dake. “My roommate’s on North Campus until five today, so I could have plugged my computer into the big TV, dropped trow, and really spread out, you know?”

While Dake acknowledged that he could have closed his blinds to preserve his privacy, given that construction was not going on inside his apartment proper, he said he would not have been comfortable with the arrangement.

“I mean, I guess they can’t see inside,” said Dake. “But you can hear them all talking to each other, which is huge obstacle for getting in the right headspace.”

At press time, Dake was returning to Central Campus, in search of a sparsely populated computer lab in which to finish his business.

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