I Get Up Every Morning And Mouth Kiss All My Beautiful Children Just Like Any Other American

I’ll be the first to admit that getting acclimated to the hustle and bustle of Washington, D.C., was a difficult thing for me. Even the governor’s mansion in Indianapolis seemed a little hoity-toity for my sensibilities. From congressman to governor to Vice President, I’ve always been sure to stay humble and grounded, to remember that I’m just an average God-loving American at the end of the day. That’s why I always make sure to mouth kiss each of my beautiful sons and daughters in the morning, just like any other American.

As a conservative, family is important to me. And if my electoral record is any indication, that’s a message that resonates with plenty of hard-working everyday Americans. People just want to earn a living for them and theirs. They just want to know there’s a bright future for their sons and daughters, with whom they share a warm group bath after a hard day’s work, just like I do. These people aren’t Washington, D.C., insiders. They don’t watch the political shows on Sunday Mornings. Just like my family, they get up, kiss their sons and daughters on the mouth, go to church, and spoon with their beloved progeny on the couch while they watch a football game.

That’s what traditional politicians and media members don’t understand about America. Real Americans don’t have time to worry what tax subsidy they’re eligible for or what regulations we supposedly need. When they get home from work, real Americans sit down at their dinner tables, with their friends, their families, and the chair they symbolically left empty as a remembrance of their wives’ miscarriages. When they sit down, they talk about the issues that matter to them. They don’t appreciate when the East Coast elites call them bigots for opposing gay marriage, racists for supporting our police officers, or zealots when they make time to pray before copulating with their spouse on a harvest moon once every two years, as I do with my wife.

Everyday Americans like me are ready for the next phase in our great country’s history. I hope they can open-mouth kiss their sons and daughters, secure in the knowledge that they have an ally in the White House.

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