Meryl Streep May Have 18 Academy Award Nominations, But She’ll Never Touch My Five Kids’ Choice Awards

As you well know, I, Tony Hawk, and esteemed actress Meryl Streep have been staunch rivals in both personal and professional affairs for the better part of the last 40 years.

Sure, Meryl has found some success as a critical darling for her work in films such as Kramer vs. Kramer and The Iron Lady, but I wish to reiterate that in no way does this make up for the enormous gap between our successes found at the annual Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards.

Credit to her, Meryl had gone head-to-head with some cinematic colossuses, having beaten Julie Andrews, Jessica Lange, Glenn Close, and Viola Davis, to name a few. But compared to my competition these names are pretty weak. How do Jessica Lange’s two Oscar wins compare to Shaquille O’Neal’s 28,596 career points or his 13,009 career rebounds? And what is Julie Andrews performance in Victor Victoria when you hold it up to the 158 international goals scored by Mia Hamm, who I beat out for Favorite Athlete in 2005? So remind me again who’s the actress of her generation?

And not to rag on Meryl, you know I love her, but seriously, 3-for-20? What kind of record is that? I am 5-for-5 in the KCA Favorite Male Athlete category, not to mention a three-peat from ‘03 to ‘05, during which time Meryl won zero Kid’s Choice Awards or Academy Awards. Zero! Zilch! Nada!

Meryl’s measly one KCA nomination doesn’t hold a candle to my five wins for Favorite Athlete, not to mention the blimp I took home in 2001 when Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 2 won Favorite Video Game.

We could go back and forth all day about who’s the more respected colossus of their craft, but when it comes right down to it, which would you rather have: a lifetime achievement award from the Golden Globes on your mantle or the rush and gratification provided by being slimed live on national cable television.

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