Impressed by the accomplishments of attendees at an on-campus networking event last Tuesday, business junior Sally Epps was reportedly struck by the sheer number of insufferable assholes she had connected with.
Sources described Epps as “ecstatic” to have formed such strong professional connections with “so many successful, awful human beings” through the career fair, as she met with the most “nauseating” and “dreadful” top innovators in her industry.
“The talents and abilities of these people I can’t stand are truly amazing,” said Epps, who noted moral objections to virtually all views expressed by peers and employers at the event while exchanging contact information enthusiastically.
“Although the greasy smiles and lack of empathy initially made me hesitatant, once I read their resumes, I decided to really give them a chance,” said Epps, saying the event was a “fantastic opportunity to meet the most distinguished jerks in my field today.”
“At first I thought there was no way I could bond with these people on a personal level,” observed Epps, “but after their company offered me a paid summer internship and free dinner at Mani on Friday, I was able to look beyond all that.”
In her recap of the event, Epps mentioned that she was “grateful to be a part of such a prominent gathering of leading douchebags,” adding, “I don’t think I could’ve found such a diverse and accomplished a group of people I hate anywhere else.”