7 Things I Learned About My Ex-Wife by Rifling Through Her Garbage

They say you can be married to someone for years and never really know them. That could not be more true for me and my now-ex wife Sarah, who left me three years ago. Even though we are no longer together, I am still discovering fascinating things about her, mostly by rifling through her garbage. Here are some of those things.


  1. She’s developed a taste for expensive cheeses since she left me. When we were still together, she seemed fine with good ol’ Kraft.


  1. Now that I’m no longer there to hold her accountable, she throws out perfectly recyclable bottles and cans all the time. For shame, Sarah! Don’t you care about the future of the planet at all?


  1. If the increased frequency of tied-off cat litter bags is anything to go by, poor Sammy must have another bladder infection. Good to know my alimony is going towards paying that goddamn price-gouging vet.


  1. She threw out a completely functional umbrella. I have no explanation for this one.


  1. This one doesn’t really have anything to do with my ex-wife, but I thought I might as well let everyone know that I found what I believe to be raccoon droppings in the trash can. Secure your garages, folks. Those things can be nasty.


  1. I went pretty much all the way down, and I didn’t find any of the old pictures of us together. Maybe she still has feelings for me? I might bring this up with my therapist.

       7. She bought a bunch of bottles of some fancy new health drink on sale. Good for her. It’s probably all marketing bullshit anyway but at least she’s conscious about her health.

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