Biologists Claim Most Extinct Species Not Worth Keeping Around Anyway

Biologists do concede that sabertooth tigers would be sweet to still have, though.

A paper included in the most recent issue of the journal Science by an international team of pessimistic and resigned biologists and paleontologists claims that the majority of species that have gone extinct in the history of life on Earth “weren’t really worth keeping anyway.”

According to the paper, “99.9 percent” of all species that have ever existed are now extinct, and “maybe a few dozens of those” would still be “worth having around.” The vast majority of extinctions, the paper concludes, are “a wash.”

“Take trilobites, for example. What did they do? Scoot around and eat gross shit from the seabed,” said Gerhardt Fischer, a paleontologist at the University of Göttingen. “Are we really any worse off for not having trilobites anymore? I don’t think so.”

Added Fischer, “I used to be concerned about endangered species, especially ones that form the bedrock of their ecosystem. But if all your hopes are riding on dinky fish that can’t survive a five-degree change in temperature, maybe get a better ecosystem.”

Rose Miller, a paleontologist at the University of Washington, said, “Even some of the extinct species we initially thought were cool turned out to be lame. Like saber-toothed cats. Turns out they had these big dopey-looking jowls and you couldn’t even see their fangs. Good riddance, I say.”

Regarding the current extinction of species as a result of human activity, the authors had similar feelings. “So what if we lose a frog here and there,” said Kyoto University conservation biologist Shinzō Kawaguchi. “Maybe they’ll free up some room for pretty birds.”

“As long as we don’t lose dogs,” Miller said, “I’m good.”

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