Campus Finally Warm Enough For Crying Outside

Bush, taking advantage of the sunny weather by having a nice outdoor sob.

Students reported last Friday that the campus is finally warm enough to take part in traditional outdoor activities, such as hammocking, slacklining, and crying under a very tall and sturdy tree.

“It’s so dark and cold year round,” said student Teddy Dougert as he sniveled softly on a bench outside East Hall, “so when the weather’s finally nice enough to hang around outside, no one can resist a good wail under the sun.”

Dougert was not the only one soaking up rays of early spring sunshine last Friday.

“During the winter, students usually have to cry indoors, be that in the privacy of their own dorm rooms or in the public spaces of their academic halls,” said Dr. Martha Steinberg of the Center for Campus Involvement.

Steinberg continued, “That’s why when it gets nice out, we like to encourage students to bawl in a nice area on the Diag or on one of the tables outside the UMMA. It sets up a more supportive, open environment for them to relieve their pent-up winter tears.”

“During the winter months, it is difficult for students to cry outside because their tears immediately freeze to their already cold faces,” said Mario Powell of the CAPS office. “As a result, student’s tears get all backed up until about March, when they can finally blubber in public again.”

Indeed, dozens of students were seen enjoying the nice weather on Friday, both weeping independently or with friends. “Having a good wholesome cry is no fun unless it’s nice out,” said engineering junior Ella Bush. “It’s finally sunny enough that your tears just evaporate away. Any more clouds and your clothes get all wet. It’s just not practical.”

At press time, students were seen sobbing in their hammocks in the Diag.

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